Thursday, October 4, 2012

Monday, September 24, 2012

getting better

i always seem to find my way back to my blog when things are not the way i would prefer them to be. for starters i am still in murrieta, even though i have prayed for months to move. my dad keeps telling me that every time a place in la doesn't work out, that it wasn't meant to be. i just feel like i am waiting for my life to begin. i'm waiting for all of my hopes and dreams to begin. there's only so much a person can do when they are constantly having to drive. i've been told from day one that if i want to work, i have to be there. i just don't know how much longer i can wait before my standards cease to exist and i just move into anything.
second, my emotional life flat-lined for a bit last week and i am only now almost put back together. i had a traumatic experience and i responded in a manner that was foreign to myself. i was lashing out for no reason, crying for no reason, having nightmares, feeling absolutely unmotivated, and passionless. not having my phone is probably the only thing keeping me from going back to normal. when you don't have things to distract you, you do a lot of thinking. my mind just races lately and i can't sleep like i normally do. i am so out of whack and it's really frustrating. my "traumatic experience" hit me hard. i am someone who is always in control, and for my control to be completely ripped from my hands... absolutely terrifying. i just want to go back to normal and make my new life for myself already. i pray things get better.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

alright i suck

i've been avoiding this. i`m blaming mid terms and the fact that whenever i see this blog i just want to write about someone. and i don't even want to think of this someone like how i'm thinking about him now. it's bad when you have to remind yourself to stay busy or you might start to like him. i think it's just an innocent crush and it doesn't mean anything! give me a week and i will be saying _______ who? haha ya okayyyy

saw this and it made me sad.(I don’t think I could get the guy I sort-of-don’t-want-to-have-a-crush-on-but-I-kinda-do, to like me even if I tried.) i just don't want to feel like that. how depressing. so i need to distract myself more with things that are actually fun. studying does not work! i am being ridiculous i really need to stop now.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

no time

seriously my life changes so fast even i have trouble keeping up. so since i was always doing something, there wasn't much updating happening so i am trying to do that now. not really with words, but with pictures. i have too much confusion in my head to try and write it out. i am in a new, different place. it's not that the situation is confusing, it is just unique to what i am used to. just gotta go with the flow!


i'll add all the pictures tomorrow ;)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

b.e.

i am blessed to say that i am at peace. even though i have millions of thoughts running through my head like a crazy train, i am able to see something so amazing and not let it pass me by. that is when i am fortunate enough to realize that i am still me. i can dream and plan and fantasize and think about whatever, but still be here. i'm still here. i still see everything around me. i still take second glances and analyze why i needed another look. today i was driving up to long beach to see my dear friend madison. i didn't know where i was going and i was texting people and busses were driving super close to me and basically being the worst example of a driver. then i looked on to the horizon and just melted. catalina island was this dark flat blue that just stuck out with the fading sunset behind. in front was the metallic ocean that reflects the twilight so perfectly. the cherry on top was the lit up oil drills. you might be thinking seriously? but ya seriously. they looked like christmas to me. it was like floating lights all bunched together and then scattered on the water. i could breathe better when i saw this sight and i just appreciated it while it lasted. i love things for how they make me feel and sights like that just calm me down to mush. i love the senses it brings with it. i am just reborn from all of the craziness and brought back to life. i hope you all find things that bring you back to the ground. coming from someone who spends the majority of life with her head in the clouds, earth can be an equally great alternative.



Wednesday, February 29, 2012

29

thank goodness the 29th of february is a rare day
today was frustrating

testing


people all have motives behind their endeavors and they all want to see how much they can bend you before you break. usually they just want to bend you and don't want the breaking at all. it's all a balance to see what one can get away with without loosing too much. the last couple of days i have realized if i just hold my ground, i end up getting more than expected. showing people that you literally don't give a shit can work in your advantage. people can try and manipulate me and take advantage of me, but if i say no to whatever they are offering or wanting, the answer is no. there is no negotiating because i am not desperate for ANYTHING. this means that since there is absolutely no negotiating there are two ways that any given situation can go. recently, i have realized that if i say no, there is no negotiating, "okay thanks byeeee...." they break. they try and get me to bend, but that just doesn't work like that. i have this new thing called a back bone and my attitude goes great with it on any given day. after the given scenario above happens, the other person is the one who needs to alter their approach, not me. like when i sold my iphone! hahah i lied and said there were a lot of people interested and ready to buy, (actually there were but you never know if those people are actually going to pull through) and that if he didn't want it then awesome! in like 5 seconds he bought it.
yes this doesn't work for everything and my little life experiences are quite trivial, however it's all just practice for when i am in the big leagues. people are just people, they shouldn't scare you.